Discover how to stay motivated in accomplishing your goals this year with an extract from clinical psychologist Dr Julie Smith’s book, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?
“Something that can zap motivation is the prospect of failure. But that depends on the relationship we have with failure. If slipping up and going off track means we engage in vicious self-attack and relentless self-criticism, we are likely to feel ashamed and defeated. If we associate failure with unworthiness, then starting anything new is going to feel overwhelming and procrastination will be front and centre. We protect ourselves from the psychological threat of shame by sabotaging the process before it gets started.
Shame is not as helpful for motivation as you might think. When we get caught in self-criticism and shame, we feel inadequate, defective and inferior. When we feel that way we want to hide, get smaller, disappear. It produces urges to escape and avoid, rather than to dust ourselves off and try again. In fact, it is so painful that it induces strong urges to block that feeling, which is risky for anyone living with addiction. So if we want to persist at something and feel motivated to keep trying, we How to nurture that motivation feeling have to think carefully about how we respond to failure along the way.
If there is ever resistance in therapy, it is when you explore the idea of being self-compassionate. I hear things like, ‘I will lose my drive, become lazy.’ ‘I would never achieve anything.’ ‘I can’t just let myself off the hook like that.’ Most people are shocked and surprised to find out that self-criticism is more likely to lead to an increase in depression rather than motivation (Gilbert et al., 2010). Self-compassion, on the other hand, treating yourself with kindness, respect, honesty and encouragement after a failure, is associated with increased motivation and better outcomes (Wohl et al., 2010).
“If we are not aware of our self-criticism and the impact it is having on our fear of failure and motivation, then it is much harder to change it.”
Try this: If we are not aware of our self-criticism and the impact it is having on our fear of failure and motivation, then it is much harder to change it. Use these prompts to reflect on the way you talk to yourself after a setback.
* When you experience failure, what does your self-criticism sound like?
* What emotions are attached to it?
* Do you suppose that the failure reveals something about your inadequacy or incompetence as a person?
* Do you notice any shame or hopelessness associated with that?
* What coping strategies tend to follow that self-criticism?
* How does that impact on your original goals?
* Think of a time when you failed at something and someone responded to you with kindness and encouragement. How did that feel? How did that help you to try again and succeed?
Toolkit: How to respond to failure with compassion and accountability so you can get back on track
Bring to mind a recent memory of a failure or setback. Then work through the following exercise.
1. Notice what emotions are brought up by that memory and where you feel them in your body.
2. How did the self-criticism sound? What words and phrases came up and how did they influence how you felt?
3. How did you then respond to the feelings?
4. Bring to mind someone that you love or respect. If they experienced the same failure, how might you have responded to them differently? Why would you have shown them that respect?
5. How would you want them to perceive the setback in order to get them back on track?
Extracted from Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? out now.
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