Are you overshadowed by the narcissists in your life? Are you worn out by their constant demands for attention, their absolute belief they are right (even when clearly they are not), their determination to do what they want (regardless of impact), and their baffling need to control everyone and everything around them? In this thought-provoking, sanity-saving book, Thomas Erikson helps you understand what makes narcissists tick and, crucially, how to handle them without wearing yourself out in the process.
Introduction
Love is a serious mental disease.
— PLATO
I
“Love can be the most beautiful experience a human being has in their lifetime. True, genuine, requited love that’s strong enough to shake the core of your being. It makes your heart race and your legs wobblier than usual. I’m talking about the kind of love where you find yourself dreamily gazing off into the horizon, brimming over with longing for the object of your desire. A love that makes you want to protect your partner from any threat that appears.
Normally, it takes two people to produce this kind of infinite, larger-than-life adulation. But sometimes it’s a different story.
A few years ago, I wrote Surrounded by Psychopaths. Since its publication, I’ve had an astonishing number of people suggest to me that I should also write a book about narcissists. At first, the subject triggered no curiosity in me at all. This was mainly because of the close ties between narcissism and psychopathy; it felt difficult to add anything substantially novel or different to the subject.
As time went on, and I worked away on other projects, I began to notice a series of odd phenomena that are occurring in our society today. These were developments that honestly made very little sense to me. I found myself discussing a bunch of rather unusual questions with a whole crowd of people who had made similar observations themselves. Phenomena we hadn’t observed before were becoming increasingly common right in front of our eyes.
Meanwhile, the inquiries kept coming from various interested parties: When are you going to write a book about narcissism? In the end, this question was posed to me by somebody I couldn’t say no to — you know who you are — and I began, somewhat unwillingly, I might add, to research the subject. After some thorough investigations into the subject of narcissism, however, it dawned on me that I had stumbled across the explanation to a whole series of peculiarities that are making their way around the world.
Narcissism, in the sense of the personality disorder defi ned by psychiatrists, takes its name from the character Narcissus from Greek mythology. This youth, who was famous for his beauty, was the son of the river god Cephissus. Narcissus was so incredibly handsome that anybody who saw him would immediately fall in love with him. The trouble was that he rejected everyone, including the young girl Echo — and was thus fated to fall in love with his own reflection.
In one version of the myth — there are more competing versions out there than seems entirely necessary — Narcissus simply starves to death as he sits there by the pond, gazing at his reflection. Eventually, he transformed into a white- and- yellow flower, which has since been named after him — the Narcissus genus of flowers includes the daffodil.
Whichever version of the myth we decide to believe, poor Narcissus was the first person ever, as far as we know, to fall victim to this powerful kind of self- love. But then again, being that he is a mythical figure, it seems likely that the problem was a familiar one even before the story was first told. Myths usually describe and explain things that people have already made note of.
We’ve all come across them.
The people who talk about themselves incessantly, announcing their incredible knowledge, skills, experience, and credentials to the world; who feel entitled to the best of whatever life has to offer; who feel better, more attractive, and more successful than their peers; who take selfies by the hundreds, painstakingly pore over them to single out the best one, and then fly into a violent rage if it doesn’t receive as many likes as they feel it deserves. These are the people who go to great lengths to be trendy, who put great value in being seen, and who seem to be prepared to do almost anything to stand out. They get upset when the success they’re expecting fails to materialize, and succumb to needy whining whenever things don’t go their way.
Perhaps you’re thinking to yourself that people like this are nothing new. We used to just think to ourselves, What a jerk! Nowadays, people hardly even raise an eyebrow at this kind of thing. It’s the new normal.
Families accumulating massive debt just so they can keep up with the Joneses. Parents convincing their children that they can be anything they want because of how naturally fantastic they are. Influencers whose only real achievement is appearing in social media in trendy outfits. How long has it been this way?
School kids who feel they don’t need to study because they reckon they already know everything. Grade averages dropping in our schools, despite the constant dumbing down of the grading criteria. Families being run by members who have insufficient or no real- life experience. Teenagers choosing the family’s holiday destination. Mothers buying their teenagers cars that cost more than the ones they drive themselves.
“What we think of as normal has taken on a very different face.”
University students who, rather than engaging with their ideological opponents in debate, form mobs to shout and cause enough ruckus to make sure that speakers they disapprove of won’t be able to make themselves heard. Individuals who openly admit that they would do anything — literally anything — in order to be successful. Successful at what? one wonders.
Perhaps at participating in reality shows on TV, shows that feature aspects of human anatomy and behavior that would have been incredibly shocking just a few decades ago.
What we think of as normal has taken on a very different face. The connections between the preceding descriptions and narcissism are as evident as they are disquieting. All of those descriptions include significant signs of narcissistic behavior. Sometimes, though, you need to take a few steps back to be able to detect the pattern. But as soon as you do, you see it as clear as day.
II
Psychologists are more or less in agreement: Clinical narcissism occurs in somewhere between 1 and 2 percent of the population. However, there is no absolute consensus on the subject, and different researchers quote different sets of figures. Disagreement and argument over these issues is rife in the fi eld. But for our purposes, 1 or 2 percent will be accurate enough. You might think that doesn’t sound like too many. One percent is a very small ratio. Like a tiny glitch in the system. But then again, that would mean that Sweden, my own country of residence, would be home to somewhere between one hundred thousand and two hundred thousand narcissists.
Applying the same percentage globally gives us a population of between 70 and 140 million narcissists. But there is a significant difference between the clinical term “narcissistic personality disorder,” or “NPD,” and what we call narcissistic behavior. The latter is exhibited by people who display obvious narcissistic tendencies without having received a clinical diagnosis. Later in this book, I’ll be giving you a series of examples of what I have come to refer to as narcissistic culture. This is when narcissistic behaviors become increasingly prevalent in various levels of society. One example of this would be an increased emphasis on the self. International research suggests that in Western culture this is exhibited by closer to 10 percent of the population, maybe even more than that. Some have even suggested 15 to 20 percent.
Just the thought of applying this percentage to the global population is enough to make me feel like I need to lie down.
If we take a look at what clinical narcissism actually is, we’ll soon find that among other characteristics, these individuals tend to entertain unrealistic self-images, indulge in self- obsession, consider themselves unique, speak only about themselves, deflect all criticism and negative feedback, feel that the rules don’t apply to them, and basically strive for nothing but external rewards and social recognition. “Everybody else — everybody — should get out of the way, because here I come!”
Narcissists do genuinely strive for perfection, particularly in the eyes of others. They want everybody to view and think of them as the most beautiful, most intelligent, most informed, fittest, best dressed, wealthiest, most successful, and happiest people in the entire world. However, there is an obvious problem here: That goal is both irrational and completely unattainable.
Basically, we can’t expect any good to come of narcissism becoming more widespread in society. However, if we’re to approach this issue in a more serious way, we’ll need to fi gure out what’s actually going on first. In addition, we have to give some thought to the practical consequences we all stand to suffer if we allow narcissism to run rampant. What I’m getting at here is that we need to be aware of the severity of the challenge. If you don’t know which problem you’re supposed to be solving, you won’t even see any need for a solution.
Once, long ago, there was no such thing as an SUV. Then, one day, SUVs became a thing. Some people bought them and reaped the benefits of a high, safe perch with a good view of traffic (at the expense of everybody else’s), and enjoyed the sense of security that came from knowing that they would be quite safe if they were to collide with an ordinary car. However, anybody who wasn’t driving an SUV was suddenly in greater danger, because they were now at risk of colliding with one. The most significant cost related to the creation of SUVs was paid by all the other drivers, basically.
More and more people bought SUVs. They wanted to feel safe and have that great view of the surrounding traffic, too. But what were the consequences? Fuel consumption spiked; the planet’s resources were more carelessly exploited than ever; emissions increased . . . If everybody were to drive an SUV, many of the original benefits would simply be gone. It’s like a trap, in a way.
Narcissism functions very similarly. The behavior of a narcissist comes at a cost to others, just like the invasion of the SUVs happened mainly at the expense of other drivers. Narcissists can maintain their sense of pride by lashing out at somebody who has somehow insulted them. Similarly, they can maintain their sense of personal fabulousness by taking credit for the achievements of their peers. They can cultivate a cool player image for themselves by dating countless potential mates who never even learn of one another’s existence. Narcissists can go on feeling wonderful and amazing, while they make everyone around them suffer.
Some people claim that there is a limit to how many self- infatuated narcissists we can cope with, collectively. That’s an interesting thought: How much narcissism can society actually tolerate? Assuming the phenomenon really is becoming more common, that is.
Extracted from Surrounded by Narcissists by Thomas Erikson, out now.
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